My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has been
Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our
mission in Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces
from Iraq This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to
begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which
have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The
United Kingdom , Spain , Bulgaria , Australia , and Poland are some of the
countries listed there.
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's
nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of
both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those
nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved
during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world
Hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.
Need help with a famine ? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France .
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money
toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home . On that
note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you
down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.
Thirsting for a gutsy country to
terrorize? Try France , or maybe China .
I am ordering the immediate severing of
diplomatic relations with France , Germany , and Russia . Thanks for all
your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.
I have instructed the Mayor of New York
City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan
with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will
be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty
pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay
those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be
turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York
A special note to our neighbors. Canada
is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you
folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.
Mexico is also on List 2 President Fox
and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will
have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where
I am going to put 'em? Yep, border security.
Oh, by the way, the United States is
abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.
We are tired of the one-way highway.
Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of
this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist
who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and
move there. They care.
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens.
Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."
Nearly a century of trying to help folks
live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of
just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America
It is time to eliminate homelessness in America . To the nations on List 1,
a final thought. Thank you guys. We owe you and we won't forget.
To the nations on List 2, a final
thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.
God bless America . Thank you and good night.
If you can read this, thank a teacher.
you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.